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They found him… (Day 2, Part 2)
I don’t know too much detail about Phil’s story. I don’t want to ask him; he doesn’t need to re-live it. I don’t think he trusts reliving it. What for, I think he’d say? He works to find his peace,...
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A Pause (during which, Life Goes On)
I am going to pause for a second; that was a tough one. As I wrote elsewhere, I’d like to say that I’ve given a solemn affirmative to the universe and have agreed to soldier on. Maybe I have, maybe I...
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Next Time
I don’t exactly know what happened next. I remember bits and pieces. Maybe I can talk to Phil about it one day. Maybe he can fill in the gaps, give me his version. When he’s ready. It seems...
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Maybe God, Maybe Not
When I joined AA I had pretty low opinion of God, if I had one at all. He wasn’t much of a factor in my life. If He created me, He must’ve gotten interrupted by a phone call or needed a bathroom break...
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Gratitude
In AA there’s a lot of talk about gratitude. Make a gratitude list. Replace guilt with gratitude. Put some gratitude in your attitude. All I ever felt about that was resentful. Gratitude for what,...
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Choosing
After 15 years of living in a house, Natalie and I have to think apartment-style. We are overstocked with groceries we have to eat through and shampoo and conditioner we have to wash through. It’s...
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What I Know
I haven’t talked about this part of the story because it’s fucking hard to write. Harder than screaming down the stairs and pulling my hair and drowning in my cousin’s coat and all of it because that...
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Simple Isn’t Easy
One day Krishnamurti told his followers he was going to tell them his secret. I can imagine the excitement rippling through the crowd, the expected relief, the gratitude that they must be his Very...
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Wantings and Warnings
I’ve been nominated several times for blogger awards, most recently by dear Lucia from Luminous Blue. I want to take a moment to say thank you; I am honored. And I haven’t meant not to “accept” the...
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Year Two
Last Saturday I was out with Natalie at a local Arts and Crafts Fair. We ran into G., a woman I know from a former job. She’s also the mom of Natalie’s friend. G. is, in a word, rich. What’s that...
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I Disagree
Today I’m wishing to be a poet. Today I’m wishing I could write elevated language; like what I want to say I just can’t get to in simple sentences. Because I’m trying to say what I feel when I look to...
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An Ordinary Miracle (Part One)
A month or two ago, Kirsten and I went to see a one-night showing of a movie about addiction. Part of it involved a mom talking about losing her son to heroin, at which point Kirsten leant over and...
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Nothing Good or Bad?
I was asked to guest post by Becki Duckworth at http://isurvivedamurderattackmyfamilydidnt.com/ Becki’s story is brutal; you can read about it here. And you can find my next post here. I wish all of...
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WTF?
Fuck art. It’s time for a rant, because really, I’m exhausted. Not for lack of sleep. For my mind tripping over my broken heart to figure this out or make meaning or whatever the hell it is my mind is...
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Stay (Suicide, Part One)
No, I’m not going to kill myself. But I’ve been preoccupied with being dead, and since the inner eventually becomes the outer, all things suicide have been coming my way. Natalie bought me a book about...
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The Reason (Suicide, Part 3)
“I keep one foot out the door, and that’s suicide by increments.” Rob (played by John Cusack) in “High Fidelity” And that, right there, is the problem. I’ve a lead foot out the door and I think it’s...
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My Secret
I ended my last post with what was to be next. Instead, I digress. ******************* AA says you’re only as sick as your secrets. The light’s supposed to shine away the dark. Because it’s always...
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“It’s just one story”
(Spoiler Alert: In case anyone’s watching or planning to watch “True Detective,” I’m writing about the final scene.) I’ve watched “True Detective” three times. When I finished the post before my last...
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Who I Am Not (Part 2 – The Reunion)
I thought about continuing Part Two from my last post without mentioning Christmas. Something seemed wrong with that…but I didn’t – still don’t – know what to say. This has been the oddest Christmas...
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01/20/91 – #3
My water broke about 1:00 in the morning, running wet and warm down my legs and pooling on the wooden floor in my bedroom. I’d gotten up because I thought I had to pee – maybe I did pee, maybe that was...
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